These words were spoken to me last week while I was at church.
Apparently, this is what people associate my name with - unreliability...
When these words were spoken to me, when it was said to my face that "[I] have a reputation for being unreliable" it really hurt me. It hurt who I am as a person and as a contributor to society. These words made me want to quit everything I was in, to stop helping, to just give up and leave. I seriously contemplated leaving Providence and going somewhere else. Somewhere to start over and build a new reputation.
I thought it was cruel to tell me this. It was [and at times still is] tearing me down rather than building me up. It caused me to think, "is this really what people equate me with?" and "is that what they think when I enter the room?" To this day, a week and a half later, I am still dwelling, still stewing over this comment. I can't get it out of my head.
I was fuming after these words were spoken and had to turn around and try really hard not to cry. I teared up, and thankfully someone was outside with me who didn't hear the conversation and talked to me about other things.
I wasn't the same person after that. I'm still not sure where I stand. It's been all I can think about. I wasn't able to concentrate on worship or the sermon that Sunday. Sorry, David.
At community group, I wasn't able to focus on what we were talking about. I was too busy worrying about what people were thinking of me in that moment, though I'm sure no one was thinking about me in that way at all.
I tried to think about all the things that I've been involved in with Providence and beyond to see where this 'reputation' is coming from and I just don't see it. Maybe that's the plank in my eye, maybe it's just me being illogical, but I don't see it. I can see it in one instance, but I don't know how that provides me with a whole entire reputation...
Since that day, I've been even more withdrawn and have more walls up than before. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with these words and this "knowledge". If this is God pruning me, what do I change? How do I change?
