Reputation for being unreliable

These words were spoken to me last week while I was at church.
Apparently, this is what people associate my name with - unreliability...


When these words were spoken to me, when it was said to my face that "[I] have a reputation for being unreliable" it really hurt me. It hurt who I am as a person and as a contributor to society. These words made me want to quit everything I was in, to stop helping, to just give up and leave. I seriously contemplated leaving Providence and going somewhere else. Somewhere to start over and build a new reputation.


I thought it was cruel to tell me this. It was [and at times still is] tearing me down rather than building me up. It caused me to think, "is this really what people equate me with?" and "is that what they think when I enter the room?" To this day, a week and a half later, I am still dwelling, still stewing over this comment. I can't get it out of my head.


I was fuming after these words were spoken and had to turn around and try really hard not to cry. I teared up, and thankfully someone was outside with me who didn't hear the conversation and talked to me about other things.


I wasn't the same person after that. I'm still not sure where I stand. It's been all I can think about. I wasn't able to concentrate on worship or the sermon that Sunday. Sorry, David.
At community group, I wasn't able to focus on what we were talking about. I was too busy worrying about what people were thinking of me in that moment, though I'm sure no one was thinking about me in that way at all.


I tried to think about all the things that I've been involved in with Providence and beyond to see where this 'reputation' is coming from and I just don't see it. Maybe that's the plank in my eye, maybe it's just me being illogical, but I don't see it. I can see it in one instance, but I don't know how that provides me with a whole entire reputation...


Since that day, I've been even more withdrawn and have more walls up than before. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with these words and this "knowledge". If this is God pruning me, what do I change? How do I change?

Worries & Frustrations :: Joys and Reliefs

It's amazing how things can change in a matter of days!
domingo I was lamenting about my situation, the fact that I'm going to be leaving the McCall's house and onto somewhere else with no money, no job, and no real job prospects...

I was worried, frustrated y burnt out from hoping that all the jobs that I applied to were going to work out, and yet seeing none of them come to fruition. I wouldn't say that I had lost faith, I was just discouraged like none other.

The other week I posted an add request on Craigslist. I got discouraged because no one responded to it, so I posted it yet again. On the 13th I got a response from a lady looking for help viente-cuatro hours/week. I went, on that same day, to a nanny interview for two 11-week old twins. I thought it went well until I botched a question because I wasn't thinking and at that time didn't think anything of it. She said that she would let me know by Friday if I had the job or not and if I were to get it, I would start the following Monday or Wednesday.
I waited for the phone call on Friday, and much to my lack of surprise, I didn't receive one. [This has seemed to be my typical response from potential employers, where social work or nanny related, and it's a really frustrating response to get].

On Friday afternoon I received another inquiry about my nanny posting. This was for a 4 month old and a 2 year old, though care would be primarily for the baby during the night for feedings, changings, and the like. After talking back and forth, she asked me if I was available to come Saturday night and babysit from 10pm-10am. I agreed and on Saturday I went over there and met her and the baby for the first time. The baby, Rafael, is absolutely adorable and a very sweet baby. I call him Rafi. :)

After Saturday night, Alex said that she would call me with a schedule of sorts... well, she called me Monday to see if I could babysit that night, and I said yes. Rafi, was again, cute as could be, though a little fussier this time... So, I'm on the bus riding home this morning and I get a series of 4 texts from Alex.

This is what they said::

Hi amanda. if you want to come work here full time at least for the summer and give that a try that's fine. I can offer you as many nights as you want plus some hours in the day once you move closer. Think about it and let me know how much money you want. I have a lady that cleans and does laundry too and she does a very thorough job. I can offer that to you if you want. She spends the whole day cleaning. Depends how much you want to work. Anyway let me know if you are interested or I can just keep her for cleaning and u can be the full time nanny. So let me know and what you would like to be paid. Thanks.

:: So, I texted her back telling her prices and asking her when she'd like me to start full time - so I'm just waiting to hear back from her!

Life is crazy, but worth it

Hola, como estas? Yo soy muy bueno, gracias! [hello, how are you? I am very well, thanks!]
Vida es loco, pero vale la pena. [Life is crazy, but worth it.]


I have been house sitting these past couple of days and it has been enjoyable. Penny, el perro, y yo have been relaxing here most of the day and we like to sleep and watch movies : ) I have had homemade food all week long! Yo even baked Nutella Brownies the other day and shared them with some fancy people. These "fancy" people came over and we made dinner together. Yo queiro me some chicken alfredo with broccoli y mushrooms.  It was good to spend time with friends.

I am still waiting to hear back from job stuff, but I know it will work out eventually! I am going to apply at T.J. Maxx, and see if I can get that job! I meet with a lady on Monday about babysitting for her once a week - hopefully that works out, as well!
I also might apply for the census, as it pays well and would bring in some cashola - but we'll see about that. I'm not sure it's something i would like to do...

Lessons learned

Talking with a friend yesterday I was reminded of the fact that in life we all go through the same situations. Sometimes together, other times alone. Often we face these situations at different times in life, though often I find myself sharing these same thoughts, feelings, emotions, frustrations, joys, etc., at the same time as other people.

I was reminded by her and God that even when it feels like I am alone in the world, people are thinking of me and praying for me. I am loved though I don't always feel it. But more than that, I am loved by God and that is all that matters. Perhaps this is redundant from the last blog I wrote, but truth is truth.

In the last post I was talking about loneliness and how I often feel that way. I had this realization that, even though I know God is enough for me, it is OKAY to feel this loneliness and discouragement because God created us to be in community with both himself and other people. So, there is no reason why I should be disappointed in myself if I am not okay with being alone.

I really believe that I have been a smidge depressed these past couple weeks for more complicated reasons that I prefer to say right now. But, the fact remains that
1) I am not going to be friends with everyone
2) People are going through their own crap and I don't need to have attention 24/7
3) No matter what I know that I am blessed and am being taken care of by God who loves me so much more than I know that I should be loved or deserve to be loved
4) I always have options - more than I thought I ever would
&
5) I am learning about my God every day.

realizations and regrets.

I realized today that i am very much a people oriented person.
Living at the McCall's I've realized this is true. When I am home, and A is home, we tend to keep our doors shut and not talk with each other. If I do this too often, I get into a depressed state of mind because I NEED the stimulation from other people. I am very much an extrovert and get recharged by hanging out with people, not by staying with myself. Living here at the McCall's has re-iterated to me the fact that I can't live by myself - I won't know what to do!

I also know that I am apt to pull away from people, especially in general, though the reason behind this eludes me.

When K & A were here, we had one of those sessions where we talk about each others strengths and weaknesses. K told me that I have a knack for not letting people in; not being vulnerable with them. She told me she thinks that is why I have acquaintances, but not "real" friends.  And I have to say that I agree with her 100%, though I don't know why I am wired to be this way.

I look around at other people, mainly my sister, and see how we are very similar but also very different. She has more of those "real" friends, while I do have more people I consider acquaintances.

A told me that I am a very sarcastic person [which I knew] and that she didn't understand why I was so happy to see them when they got into town...
I am curious to know whether I put people off because of the way I am or the way that I try to be.

K told me that she is hurt by the fact that I don't share my feelings and that in the 9 years we've known each other, she has never seen me cry. Even through Dad's passing away. I struggle with the fact that I'm not a crier and that I'm not emotional like so many of those around me... I wonder about this all of the time.

I think since dad's passed, i have cried maybe once about it. And that was talking to Alan over the internet about it [over 1 year ago]. At that time, I was crying more because of the fact that i hadn't cried about it than because of my pain and hurting. [Though, I will say, I did cry and have a little breakdown because of the fact that i wasn't able to say goodbye to him - I still feel heartbroken about that, but know that he sees me from up in Heaven and that he loved me].

I also think about the fact that i am overtly loud and often obnoxious. I have this desire to change, to mold myself into the person that I think people will like and appreciate more but when I do try to become more reserved and quieter, people tend to ask me what is wrong. I think that tells me that I don't need to change and that if I do change people will revere me differently, and not in the good kind of way.

I am definitely becoming more and more intrigued about why I am the way that I am and realizing that I can try to change all I want, but it won't be me underneath all that makeup.

I do, however, still desire relationships and feel that overall I fail at them more than I succeed. This is shown by the lack of people who reach out to me on a regular basis. All of which is my fault but I don't know how to change it or fix it...

Weekend at home.

This past weekend I went home. To celebrate mi viente-tres cumpleaños. That never really got celebrated.
I don't say this to complain or because I'm super unhappy about it. I just say it to have it said and show that my weekend wasn't exactly how I portray it to people to be.

I was upset by the fact that mi madre decided going out on a date would be more fun and more called for.

And she didn't even get me a card. And no cumpleaños cake. WHAT!???!?

I think I expected this but it still made me angry.

Things change, you know? So do priorities.

But, I am no longer angry or upset by this.

I decided that life doesn't need to be focused on me.

Even on the day of my birth, because it's not like that.

I'm don't need attention to make me happy when I know that I am loved by so many people.

And more than that I am loved by God.

The day of my birth was also my cousin's baby shower.
These things usually take up a lot of time and energy, you know.
I spent the whole day with her, and that side of the family.
It was a great way to spend a .
Seriously, spending time with family that I love - what is better than that?

During the weekend I was home, I saw sooo many people :)
From all different walks of life - SAU jobs, Bangor, South Haven, Camp, etc.
There were so many people I still wanted to see but wasn't able to fit them all in... makes me a little sad, though!

From going into Swanstra's and seeing Tina & [blanking on the other lady's name], eating dinner with my mom jueves night,

I took mom to work viernes morning because we left her car in the shop overnight. I also went to SAU Friday afternoon, ate lunch with Eileen & Abby :), visited my old bosses from SAU - Teeney, Marlin, & Grace Ann, was blessed by Teeney since she took car of the ticket I got because I parked in the circle drive, drove home in the snow & white out conditions, went to Aunt Mary's to help prep some food for the baby shower and then with Ana to walmart to buy Jenilee's baby shower gift, then went home and watched The Hangover.

Sabado, as I stated above, consisted of my cousin's baby shower. We went there mid morning [I got to sleep in!!!] and helped decorate and get food stuffs ready. After the baby shower, we went over to my aunt's house and hung out there for a while. We then went to Asylum Inn and hung out there, played games, ordered pizza's, and played apples to apples :) It was a very fun time. Ana and I didn't head home until around midnight. It was a full day of being busy and entertained.

Domingo I slept in. Didn't go to church anywhere and just relaxed. I then met up with some friends of mine from camp to hang out. I went there, we went out to eat at Red Robin, and then went back to their house to play rock band and the Wii. it was a very fun time. Once again I didn't leave until about midnight. Then I went home, packed my belongings, then went over to Dominique's house to visit with her as I haven't see her since graduation. Where I proceeded to stay up until 3/3:30 trying to pack my clothes and make everything fit - I definitely came back with more things than I took... Yup.

So, that was my trip. Wasn't exactly how I pictured bringing in my 23rd year of life, but it is what it is. :)

Decision time!

I have the opportunity to take over mi amiga Ashley's lease from marzo to abril while she is out of the country. This short term sub-lease could turn into my own longer lease, if I decide I want to continue to stay there after abril. That is up in the air.


I have a lot to think about. 
But basically, the rent would be $425/mes moving up to $550 come May. 
Utilities are under $80/mes. 
I would also be able to us her vehicle and pay insurance and gas for it.
The insurance would be $40/mes.
Ashley said that she would give the landlady the two meses in advance and I could pay her [Ash] when she comes back to the States. 
Ashley is also willing to leave everything in the apartment, making it semi-furnished :) Which means kitchen items, a bed, a couch, and a desk. 


This pequeño, uno dormitorio (small, one bedroom) apartment is located downtown, a straight [well, diagonal actually] walk to el reunión lugar (the meeting place). In the heart of la ciudad (the city). Close to people that I could cultivate community with. <3


My thought process is a little mumble jumbled, but I need to decide whether I would like to do this or not by Sunday. I need to pray about it ALOT and really listen to the Lord to decide if this is something I should pursue. At this point, I feel that God is providing for me in all ways possible and that I should go for it, but I can't be sure yet. 


I'll be honest. The whole reason I thought of renting her place was because I have friends coming in marzo seis sexto por decimo (March 6th through 10th) and I wanted someplace for them to be able to stay where I wasn't intruding on anyone's personal space... I don't want this to come off the wrong way, but more than being independent, I just don't want to be a bother to someone. To me this makes sense.


While the rent isn't terrible, and Ashley said that I could pay her for it when she gets back to the States, I would need to find steady income in the form of anything really. I would have a vehicle to take jobs wherever, so I would need to line these up. and it will be much easier to do so with this vehicle I can use whenever I want, for the next two months. I am hoping that in these months I will find something more substantial than occasional babysitting - but I also know and trust that God provides and whatever he has in store for me will come.


There are so many things to think about in a situation like this, and I'm proud of myself for just not rushing into this with my eyes wide shut. I'm taking the time to think on it and pray for God's wisdom. I do feel like I'm being blessed immensely by God's provision for Ashley which in turn has meant provision for me. I don't know if I will take it though, because that is a lot to ask from Ashley. Time to pray pray pray!


To be able to not have to pay for this right now is a huge blessing that I have a hard time thinking about because of something my sister relayed to me that my mom said is wearing on my nerves. My mom thinks that I am just mooching off of people here [for instance living with the McCall's without paying rent]. She doesn't get this idea of ministry and mercy. She thinks I'm not working or providing for myself in the least, which is not true. It really bothers me that she judges my situation without even knowing what it is. : (


So that is where I am at right now. Decision time!

Setting myself up for Success

Today, ¡He cancelado una de mis tres tarjetas de crédito! [I cancelled one of my three credit cards!]

This is a BIG feat, and one that I am so glad to have accomplished. Even though this was the smallest of my credit cards, with respect to it's credit limit, it is the one I am the most glad to get rid of. This was one of those ridiculous ones where I was charged an extra amount of money to pay my bill. If I used a checking account, the charge was 7.95. If I used a credit/debit card the charge was 9.95. It was absolutely ridiculous. Eesh!

So now, it is no longer something I have to worry about! Praise Jesus. Now I only have two credit cards, as well as a credit account with Pay Pal. I am slowly working my way towards becoming debt free! YAY! 

It is worth mentioning, that one of my goals in the 23 year of life is to pay off all but one of my credit cards so that I can live free from the bondage that monthly payments bring. It's going to be a long road, but with the knowledge that I will have a job someday, I know that it can be done.

The next step, after credit cards is to work on paying off my student loans. I would like to pay these off quickly, as the thought of paying on these loans for the next 30 years is too daunting of a task and would extremely limit the things I could do. This sounds ridiculous but if I get a job where I'm making 30,000 - 40,000 I would like to put at least 12,000-16,000 towards loans a year. *I have about 40,000 in loans that I need to pay off, not including interest* That means i would be paying out 40% of my income to student loans. This also means that while I won't have the means to live extravagantly, I can also be comfortable in life to a point. I won't have the biggest house or the newest car, but I am definitely alright with these ideas.

And so it begins...

Hola, I have created this blog to highlight my 23rd year of living and to signify a new start.
I expect to eventually start blogging primarily in spanish, as that is the language I am striving to master this year.

This blog is here to:
celebrar crecimiento, el cambio, y un nuevo [y siempre cambiante] ver sobre la vida y lo que yo estoy aqui para hacer. (celebrate growth, change, and a new [and ever changing] view on life and what I'm here to do.)

Postings can include any part of life, the good, the bad, the ugly, and especially the bello.
While I won't candy coat life and it's ups and downs, I will find beauty, hope, and joy in all situations.
Even the really tough ones.

Goals for this año of my life are many:
To get rid of addictions and break the strong holds in my life.
To reduce, with the intention of removing, inhibitions that cause me to live a life of mundane outcomes.
To branch out and make new friends in a myriad of ways
       - joining a rec center
       - joining a bowling league
       - getting involved in the community
       - learning a new language
       - becoming a regular at an establishment
       - doing something [ie, line dancing] on a regular basis
       - going outside of my comfort zone...
To learn this language better daily.
A amar con todo mi corazón y to not hold back from being vulnerable.
Para speak what is in my mind and to not be afraid.

Praying radical prayers that I can find an amazing job, the love of my life, and lots of adventures.
Also that God will use me in the life of others and I will be the salt and light to the world.
Praying for boldness in speaking to others about Cristo and the beauty of what he's done.

*Español is bolded