realizations and regrets.

I realized today that i am very much a people oriented person.
Living at the McCall's I've realized this is true. When I am home, and A is home, we tend to keep our doors shut and not talk with each other. If I do this too often, I get into a depressed state of mind because I NEED the stimulation from other people. I am very much an extrovert and get recharged by hanging out with people, not by staying with myself. Living here at the McCall's has re-iterated to me the fact that I can't live by myself - I won't know what to do!

I also know that I am apt to pull away from people, especially in general, though the reason behind this eludes me.

When K & A were here, we had one of those sessions where we talk about each others strengths and weaknesses. K told me that I have a knack for not letting people in; not being vulnerable with them. She told me she thinks that is why I have acquaintances, but not "real" friends.  And I have to say that I agree with her 100%, though I don't know why I am wired to be this way.

I look around at other people, mainly my sister, and see how we are very similar but also very different. She has more of those "real" friends, while I do have more people I consider acquaintances.

A told me that I am a very sarcastic person [which I knew] and that she didn't understand why I was so happy to see them when they got into town...
I am curious to know whether I put people off because of the way I am or the way that I try to be.

K told me that she is hurt by the fact that I don't share my feelings and that in the 9 years we've known each other, she has never seen me cry. Even through Dad's passing away. I struggle with the fact that I'm not a crier and that I'm not emotional like so many of those around me... I wonder about this all of the time.

I think since dad's passed, i have cried maybe once about it. And that was talking to Alan over the internet about it [over 1 year ago]. At that time, I was crying more because of the fact that i hadn't cried about it than because of my pain and hurting. [Though, I will say, I did cry and have a little breakdown because of the fact that i wasn't able to say goodbye to him - I still feel heartbroken about that, but know that he sees me from up in Heaven and that he loved me].

I also think about the fact that i am overtly loud and often obnoxious. I have this desire to change, to mold myself into the person that I think people will like and appreciate more but when I do try to become more reserved and quieter, people tend to ask me what is wrong. I think that tells me that I don't need to change and that if I do change people will revere me differently, and not in the good kind of way.

I am definitely becoming more and more intrigued about why I am the way that I am and realizing that I can try to change all I want, but it won't be me underneath all that makeup.

I do, however, still desire relationships and feel that overall I fail at them more than I succeed. This is shown by the lack of people who reach out to me on a regular basis. All of which is my fault but I don't know how to change it or fix it...