Life is crazy, but worth it

Hola, como estas? Yo soy muy bueno, gracias! [hello, how are you? I am very well, thanks!]
Vida es loco, pero vale la pena. [Life is crazy, but worth it.]


I have been house sitting these past couple of days and it has been enjoyable. Penny, el perro, y yo have been relaxing here most of the day and we like to sleep and watch movies : ) I have had homemade food all week long! Yo even baked Nutella Brownies the other day and shared them with some fancy people. These "fancy" people came over and we made dinner together. Yo queiro me some chicken alfredo with broccoli y mushrooms.  It was good to spend time with friends.

I am still waiting to hear back from job stuff, but I know it will work out eventually! I am going to apply at T.J. Maxx, and see if I can get that job! I meet with a lady on Monday about babysitting for her once a week - hopefully that works out, as well!
I also might apply for the census, as it pays well and would bring in some cashola - but we'll see about that. I'm not sure it's something i would like to do...

Lessons learned

Talking with a friend yesterday I was reminded of the fact that in life we all go through the same situations. Sometimes together, other times alone. Often we face these situations at different times in life, though often I find myself sharing these same thoughts, feelings, emotions, frustrations, joys, etc., at the same time as other people.

I was reminded by her and God that even when it feels like I am alone in the world, people are thinking of me and praying for me. I am loved though I don't always feel it. But more than that, I am loved by God and that is all that matters. Perhaps this is redundant from the last blog I wrote, but truth is truth.

In the last post I was talking about loneliness and how I often feel that way. I had this realization that, even though I know God is enough for me, it is OKAY to feel this loneliness and discouragement because God created us to be in community with both himself and other people. So, there is no reason why I should be disappointed in myself if I am not okay with being alone.

I really believe that I have been a smidge depressed these past couple weeks for more complicated reasons that I prefer to say right now. But, the fact remains that
1) I am not going to be friends with everyone
2) People are going through their own crap and I don't need to have attention 24/7
3) No matter what I know that I am blessed and am being taken care of by God who loves me so much more than I know that I should be loved or deserve to be loved
4) I always have options - more than I thought I ever would
&
5) I am learning about my God every day.

realizations and regrets.

I realized today that i am very much a people oriented person.
Living at the McCall's I've realized this is true. When I am home, and A is home, we tend to keep our doors shut and not talk with each other. If I do this too often, I get into a depressed state of mind because I NEED the stimulation from other people. I am very much an extrovert and get recharged by hanging out with people, not by staying with myself. Living here at the McCall's has re-iterated to me the fact that I can't live by myself - I won't know what to do!

I also know that I am apt to pull away from people, especially in general, though the reason behind this eludes me.

When K & A were here, we had one of those sessions where we talk about each others strengths and weaknesses. K told me that I have a knack for not letting people in; not being vulnerable with them. She told me she thinks that is why I have acquaintances, but not "real" friends.  And I have to say that I agree with her 100%, though I don't know why I am wired to be this way.

I look around at other people, mainly my sister, and see how we are very similar but also very different. She has more of those "real" friends, while I do have more people I consider acquaintances.

A told me that I am a very sarcastic person [which I knew] and that she didn't understand why I was so happy to see them when they got into town...
I am curious to know whether I put people off because of the way I am or the way that I try to be.

K told me that she is hurt by the fact that I don't share my feelings and that in the 9 years we've known each other, she has never seen me cry. Even through Dad's passing away. I struggle with the fact that I'm not a crier and that I'm not emotional like so many of those around me... I wonder about this all of the time.

I think since dad's passed, i have cried maybe once about it. And that was talking to Alan over the internet about it [over 1 year ago]. At that time, I was crying more because of the fact that i hadn't cried about it than because of my pain and hurting. [Though, I will say, I did cry and have a little breakdown because of the fact that i wasn't able to say goodbye to him - I still feel heartbroken about that, but know that he sees me from up in Heaven and that he loved me].

I also think about the fact that i am overtly loud and often obnoxious. I have this desire to change, to mold myself into the person that I think people will like and appreciate more but when I do try to become more reserved and quieter, people tend to ask me what is wrong. I think that tells me that I don't need to change and that if I do change people will revere me differently, and not in the good kind of way.

I am definitely becoming more and more intrigued about why I am the way that I am and realizing that I can try to change all I want, but it won't be me underneath all that makeup.

I do, however, still desire relationships and feel that overall I fail at them more than I succeed. This is shown by the lack of people who reach out to me on a regular basis. All of which is my fault but I don't know how to change it or fix it...

Weekend at home.

This past weekend I went home. To celebrate mi viente-tres cumpleaños. That never really got celebrated.
I don't say this to complain or because I'm super unhappy about it. I just say it to have it said and show that my weekend wasn't exactly how I portray it to people to be.

I was upset by the fact that mi madre decided going out on a date would be more fun and more called for.

And she didn't even get me a card. And no cumpleaños cake. WHAT!???!?

I think I expected this but it still made me angry.

Things change, you know? So do priorities.

But, I am no longer angry or upset by this.

I decided that life doesn't need to be focused on me.

Even on the day of my birth, because it's not like that.

I'm don't need attention to make me happy when I know that I am loved by so many people.

And more than that I am loved by God.

The day of my birth was also my cousin's baby shower.
These things usually take up a lot of time and energy, you know.
I spent the whole day with her, and that side of the family.
It was a great way to spend a .
Seriously, spending time with family that I love - what is better than that?

During the weekend I was home, I saw sooo many people :)
From all different walks of life - SAU jobs, Bangor, South Haven, Camp, etc.
There were so many people I still wanted to see but wasn't able to fit them all in... makes me a little sad, though!

From going into Swanstra's and seeing Tina & [blanking on the other lady's name], eating dinner with my mom jueves night,

I took mom to work viernes morning because we left her car in the shop overnight. I also went to SAU Friday afternoon, ate lunch with Eileen & Abby :), visited my old bosses from SAU - Teeney, Marlin, & Grace Ann, was blessed by Teeney since she took car of the ticket I got because I parked in the circle drive, drove home in the snow & white out conditions, went to Aunt Mary's to help prep some food for the baby shower and then with Ana to walmart to buy Jenilee's baby shower gift, then went home and watched The Hangover.

Sabado, as I stated above, consisted of my cousin's baby shower. We went there mid morning [I got to sleep in!!!] and helped decorate and get food stuffs ready. After the baby shower, we went over to my aunt's house and hung out there for a while. We then went to Asylum Inn and hung out there, played games, ordered pizza's, and played apples to apples :) It was a very fun time. Ana and I didn't head home until around midnight. It was a full day of being busy and entertained.

Domingo I slept in. Didn't go to church anywhere and just relaxed. I then met up with some friends of mine from camp to hang out. I went there, we went out to eat at Red Robin, and then went back to their house to play rock band and the Wii. it was a very fun time. Once again I didn't leave until about midnight. Then I went home, packed my belongings, then went over to Dominique's house to visit with her as I haven't see her since graduation. Where I proceeded to stay up until 3/3:30 trying to pack my clothes and make everything fit - I definitely came back with more things than I took... Yup.

So, that was my trip. Wasn't exactly how I pictured bringing in my 23rd year of life, but it is what it is. :)